German
Engineered for precision. And for fear.
100 million native speakers, all secretly proud of how hard their language is. They will not slow down.
Speakers call themselves Deutschsprachige. The rest of the world says German speakers. The German term is one word, naturally.
Compound words. Lego for adults.
German treats nouns like building blocks. Stack two, three, or fifteen and you get a single word with one specific meaning. Handschuh = hand shoe = glove. Kühlschrank = cool cupboard = refrigerator. Drachenfutter = dragon fodder = a peace offering for an angry spouse. Real word. Severo approves of the efficiency.
Try this in one breath: "Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz." 63 letters. One word. It was a real law. Germany repealed it in 2013, but the word lives on.
The verb runs to the end.
In subordinate clauses, German sends the verb to the very last position of the sentence. You'll hear a long string of nouns and adjectives, and only when the verb finally arrives do you learn what actually happened. Lose focus and the whole point is gone.
Follow this sentence to the very last word: "Ich weiß, dass er gestern Abend im Park ein Buch gelesen hat." The verb (gelesen hat, "has read") is dead last. The whole sentence depends on it.
Four cases. Three genders. Sixteen forms of "the".
Der, die, das, den, dem, des, der… same word, sixteen forms, depending on case and gender. You will pick the wrong one. Constantly. For years.
And the genders make no sense. Das Mädchen (the girl) is neuter. Der Tisch (the table) is masculine. Die Sonne (the sun) is feminine. Der Mond (the moon) is masculine. Memorize each noun with its article or accept years of small daily failures.
Severo's verdict.
German is useful if you want to read Kafka in the original (he was funnier than the translations let on), follow a Werner Herzog monologue without subtitles, argue with a Berliner about whether Berghain is overrated, understand what a friend means when they reply with a single, devastating "Doch.", or sing along to a Rammstein track without summoning concerned looks.
Speak it precisely and Germans will respect you. Speak it sloppily and they will stay silent, but they will have noticed. Severo recommends precision.
Ready to accept the challenge of a language with four cases, three genders, and compound words longer than this sentence? Click download if you have the courage. Otherwise you will keep saying "das Mädchen" without knowing why a girl is neuter. Severo knows.
GIVE ME THE GENITIVE
