French
Most of the letters are decoration.
300 million speakers across five continents. They will pretend not to understand you for the first three weeks. This is part of the curriculum.
Speakers call themselves Francophones. The rest of the world says French speakers. Francophones consider this an unforgivable simplification.
Half the letters are silent. The other half lie.
Beaucoup is pronounced /boku/. Half those letters were there for decoration. Eaux is pronounced /o/. Four letters, and not one of them is the letter O. Severo respects the commitment to a doomed orthography.
Once you know which letters to ignore, try the ones that won't shut up: "Les chaussettes de l'archiduchesse sont-elles sèches, archi-sèches ?"
Nasal vowels are not optional.
An, on, in, un. Four nasal vowels, four completely different words. Mix them up and you'll order un verre de vent (a glass of wind) when you meant un verre de vin (a glass of wine). Or un paon (a peacock) when you meant un pain (a bread).
Practice all four in one breath: "Un bon vin blanc." Four syllables, four different nasal vowels.
Every noun has a gender. There's no logic.
Tables, books, computers, pencils, each noun comes with a permanent assigned gender, and you must memorize them or accept sounding wrong in front of every native speaker, every day, for the rest of your life.
Then comes liaison: when consonants stay silent, when they don't, and how each rule has six exceptions. Conversational French is mostly about which silences to break.
Severo's verdict.
French is useful if you want to read Camus in his actual cadence, follow a Truffaut film without dubbing, argue with a Parisian waiter about which wine goes with the steak, understand why a melancholic Belgian song from the 2010s still plays at every wedding, or order three pastries in Lyon without the baker sighing.
Speak it confidently and badly and the French will correct you and grow attached. Speak it timidly and they will pretend not to understand. Severo prefers the first outcome.
Ready to accept the challenge of a language where half the letters are silent, every noun has a gender with no rule, and pronunciation decides whether you sound elegant or like a cow? Click download if you have the courage. Otherwise the boulanger will keep gently correcting you. Severo is less gentle.
I'LL TAME THE SILENT R
